Tuesday, November 04, 2008

Fear vs. Faith

(Thought I'd better put a disclaimer, seeing as I usually keep things light around here.)

I have been convicted this past week of my arrogance. Let me explain. About a week ago, I had a follow-up OB appointment during which we went over the ultrasound results. When you hear the phrase, "I don't know how to say this, but . . .", you know that nothing good is going to follow. So when I heard that phrase last week, I braced myself mentally. You see, I'd heard it before, approximately 6 1/2 years ago . And I remembered the fear and anxiety that followed. My midwife explained that baby had a cyst in his brain. She was very encouraging, not too worried, she had never seen one amount to anything in her 30+ years of babies. I decided that I wanted a second opinion and made an appointment to see the same specialist who had helped us with Princess #2.

I did my research on the cyst and if it was bad, it was very very bad. Like your baby dies bad. And I started talking to God about this specific thing. I started off with telling Him, what's up with that, you give me this baby only to take it away-that doesn't make any sense. It wasn't until I got to the point (took til Thursday!!) of telling Him that it was okay for this baby to NOT be okay, that He started talking back. And I don't mean like talking talking, I've never experienced that, for me hearing Him is being prompted to read a passage of scripture or stumbling onto a blog or conversation that adds wisdom. Through it all, I came to the realization that it is completely arrogant of me to expect a healthy, live baby. If I believe that God knows and wants what is best for me, (and I like to think that I do) then who am I to question if He chooses to take my child from me or gives me a baby with a handicap, as His ways are perfect.

This all came to sharp focus on Sunday morning. Our pastor had a great message, during which he shared an insight on 1 Corinthians 10:13 ("No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it."). He asked "How do you know that you can hold up under a trial? . . . Because it is happening to you." This was just a balm to my heart. It makes me sound less crazy for saying I'm at peace with whatever the outcome of this little life. No matter what comes my way, I can handle it because of this promise of God's faithfulness.

So we had our appointment with the specialist yesterday. Believe it or not, I was more worried that somehow the "boy parts" wouldn't be there than about the cyst (you try believing after you've had three girls!!). The tech confirmed that baby is indeed all-boy and then went to look at his brain. He couldn't find the cyst. It was literally gone. He very carefully took a look at every other part of baby, paying special attention to the parts that could be affected if this was the very very bad version, and everything looked great. In fact, baby is beyond healthy, weighing in at over 1 1/2 pounds!! Amazing.

Was this process pointless? Maybe to some. But for me it made me think, it made me aware of sin in my life to confess, it humbled me, and in the end eternally grateful for the chance to raise this little man to be a follower of the One True God.


The Momma Chronicles said...

All I can think of to say is "Praise God. Praise God!"

Linnea said...

Praise the Lord! We're really excited for you guys. Thanks for being so transparent.